Chocolate Stripes
someone by accident
will put on a dress, an outfit
which would, without mercy
take your breath
so many bodies to outfit
someone or other
is bound to look striking
just dressed in what
is considered yard clothes
© Obediah Michael Smith, 2008
2:04 p.m. 10.02.08
someone by accident
will put on a dress, an outfit
which would, without mercy
take your breath
so many bodies to outfit
someone or other
is bound to look striking
just dressed in what
is considered yard clothes
© Obediah Michael Smith, 2008
2:04 p.m. 10.02.08
posted by Obie Quiet at 2:25 PM
2 Comments:
The line, "so many bodies to outfit" seems aimless. I feel like the point you're trying to make would be made if you connect that line to the following stanza. The alliteration "which would, without..." was very catchy. The strongest stanza for me was the 2nd stanza because the poem is nothing without it, as simple as it was connected with me. Before I talk about the title of the poem I'd like to ask why you chose "Chocolate Stripes"? It is an interesting title, but after reading the poem I didn't feel it was fitting. The last line was ironic and sums up the poem well.
Just my opinions.
Chocolate Stripes
someone by accident
will put on a dress, an outfit
which would, without mercy
take your breath
so many bodies to outfit
someone or other
is bound to look striking
dressed just in what
is considered yard clothes
© Obediah Michael Smith, 2008
2:04 p.m. 10.02.08
Anonymous, I thank you so very much for inviting me to revisit this poem. Version you critiqued I've included here above.
I'll still not explain the image which this poem attempted to paint. If the poem has failed to capture what I saw, I am satisfied to allow it to fail permanently.
These are but words, sign, to bring to mind, for the poet, an image he wishes to remember.
I am satisfied to allow it to draw into the reader's mind, each reader's, whatever is evoked.
This is the norm with art though, isn't it?
I haven't a clue who Elise of Beethoven's "Für Elise" is, but what I recall when I hear that composition, is a German film I saw the very first time I visited New York.
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