Our Terrible Reality
for A.G.P & D.B.A.

right in the centre like something in my eye
as small and similarly all that matters

while she occupies as she does, where she does
and she makes my eye water

why while I meditated upon a phrase to include
Pierre-Auguste Renoir's
"Luncheon of the Boating Party" entered my mind
I have no idea, no clue

all I know is that I am in you, with you,
when I thought I was in love with another woman,
an older woman

though younger than I am by far
but I am a year older than 3 times your age
can expect no future, don’t know what I could expect

should I ask for your hand in marriage, see what happens
dumped my heart into another impossible situation

love they say is blind, it is worse than that
in the rooms where love gropes about, it is dark dark dark

am I to follow my heart, as the saying goes
is that from Proverbs or elsewhere, from some text,
some book of wisdom to be trusted

should I just put the centre aside, go on, get married
to whom I love second-best, do what's practical

could I, should I, would it not be dishonest
as dishonest as being homosexual
and taking on a wife anyway

knowing that it will rise up to haunt you latter
battle of the heart

why this complication,
thought I could set aside, put aside
whomever, whatever arose or stood in the way
of such righteousness, of such holy plans

but this one woman, I'm obsessed with
and never more than now, when plans are ongoing

inconvenient to assume the throne
it in conflict with what matters at heart
what matters for and to the heart
he gave up the throne of England

give up this woman I'd been planning to marry
does not mean I can replace her with a girl in school
not 20 yet

where therefore am I to place her, put her
along with emotions, where they would not misbehave

is this conflict possibly the energy I need
to write a novel or a play, some work which
would provide us income, my wife and me, our family

I so resent the thought of putting this little light of mine
anywhere but at the centre of the dining table
at the centre of my existence

I want to let her shine, shine as brightly as she can
on the other hand, where am I in her life

I must come after school books
and her school assignments for certain

how, therefore, can I put first, someone
for whom I am but something on the side
that is as good as it can be

I'd not want to be haunting her when she needs to study
I'd not want to affect her grades adversely
When I myself am and always was so grade orientated

order oh, God, the properties of my life, the persons in my life
and order my steps, oh, God and thoughts and plans

help me to keep the promises I must keep, to be mindful of
the miles I must go before I sleep


© Obediah Michael Smith, 2010
12:20 a.m. 21.03.10