In Conversation
Attempts to Limit
What I can Bring Up
for D.B.A.
i.
want to learn to love you
want to be allowed to love you
like I've not ever loved
like I've not ever learned to love
in this life, in this world, on this earth
want to go as far in love
as I had ever gone and then go on
loving and in love, to new heights
new depths, new lengths, new breadth
new breath
what air is there in loving well
all out for love
fall in love, unable to fall out
falling lower and lower
or deeper and deeper
or do those- do we in love
fall up as stars fall down
are lovers shooting stars
ii.
this morning I feel frightened
by how near she seems
another presence in my life
as present as the veins in my body
as the blood in my veins
as the air in my lungs
as present in me as my heartbeat
as my beating heart
as present in me as the life in me
take away my breath, means what
is it about how at present
she affects my breathing
is it about when breathing's difficult
with nothing to do with a cold or a flu
is this because of breakthrough, finally
love truth, us two
what was a wall is a membrane now
semi-permeable
our substances able to pass through
two ways, into one something
one substance, into acceptance
it has been a long time coming
after a lot of laboring and longing
after a lot of resistance and accusations
after a lot of faith and commitment
after not having given up or given in
whatever arises, whoever came or comes along
written myself into the heart of the city
walled around like the city of Jerusalem
holy city, holy seat inside it for me finally
holy bed for us to lie in, holy bedspread
holy legs to spread
iii.
what do I think of what she has left
seeds and rind of orange and tangerine
what is she resisting, fearing
the possibility of my being able
to cause her to love me against her will
obeah or voodoo
but I is a good Anglican, know nothing
of such things or am I lying
look at what she left and wonder
about why what is shared between us
is so unnaturally shared
all this awkwardness, these unstated thoughts
in spite of her pretense
of intellectual and social sophistication
in spite of her seeming openness and
willingness to integrate
her saliva on these seeds, in rind, sucked, left
upon this plate
how sick would I get, I wonder
were I to suck and chew again
orange and tangerine rind,
again, suck the seeds she left
something about these remains
say so well, she has been here
that she was here and is not now
make me happy and sad combined
so sharp and in such an opposite pull
pain is produced, combined with joy
and I could cry
my God how troubled, how uncomfortable
she is, alone with me, not at all
at home with me
what, I wonder, does she fear
as brave as she is to come
and to come as far as she does
to go as far as we go, as far as we've gone
we've come a long way baby
since June, year-before-last
we have become connected,
we are seldom separated
over what am I at present crying
because of joy or out of self-pity
because I am unfortunate
or because I am lucky
she is all the family I have, you see
she is and means everything to me
in spite of how she treats me
no one else to treat me,
no one else allowed
whatever the quality and quantity
of her love for me, what I've got to live on
to live off, to live of
I live because she allows me to go on living
she is the air I breathe
am I masturbating myself to death
wishing her to love me
wanting her to love me
wishing she'd love me
all I have and how little of her I have
how little of her allowed
is it my old house that she does not like
is it her wish that I build a new one
© Obediah Michael Smith, 2011
Written between 2:30 p.m. on Sunday,
January 9 and 8:25 p.m. Tuesday,
January 11, 2011
Attempts to Limit
What I can Bring Up
for D.B.A.
i.
want to learn to love you
want to be allowed to love you
like I've not ever loved
like I've not ever learned to love
in this life, in this world, on this earth
want to go as far in love
as I had ever gone and then go on
loving and in love, to new heights
new depths, new lengths, new breadth
new breath
what air is there in loving well
all out for love
fall in love, unable to fall out
falling lower and lower
or deeper and deeper
or do those- do we in love
fall up as stars fall down
are lovers shooting stars
ii.
this morning I feel frightened
by how near she seems
another presence in my life
as present as the veins in my body
as the blood in my veins
as the air in my lungs
as present in me as my heartbeat
as my beating heart
as present in me as the life in me
take away my breath, means what
is it about how at present
she affects my breathing
is it about when breathing's difficult
with nothing to do with a cold or a flu
is this because of breakthrough, finally
love truth, us two
what was a wall is a membrane now
semi-permeable
our substances able to pass through
two ways, into one something
one substance, into acceptance
it has been a long time coming
after a lot of laboring and longing
after a lot of resistance and accusations
after a lot of faith and commitment
after not having given up or given in
whatever arises, whoever came or comes along
written myself into the heart of the city
walled around like the city of Jerusalem
holy city, holy seat inside it for me finally
holy bed for us to lie in, holy bedspread
holy legs to spread
iii.
what do I think of what she has left
seeds and rind of orange and tangerine
what is she resisting, fearing
the possibility of my being able
to cause her to love me against her will
obeah or voodoo
but I is a good Anglican, know nothing
of such things or am I lying
look at what she left and wonder
about why what is shared between us
is so unnaturally shared
all this awkwardness, these unstated thoughts
in spite of her pretense
of intellectual and social sophistication
in spite of her seeming openness and
willingness to integrate
her saliva on these seeds, in rind, sucked, left
upon this plate
how sick would I get, I wonder
were I to suck and chew again
orange and tangerine rind,
again, suck the seeds she left
something about these remains
say so well, she has been here
that she was here and is not now
make me happy and sad combined
so sharp and in such an opposite pull
pain is produced, combined with joy
and I could cry
my God how troubled, how uncomfortable
she is, alone with me, not at all
at home with me
what, I wonder, does she fear
as brave as she is to come
and to come as far as she does
to go as far as we go, as far as we've gone
we've come a long way baby
since June, year-before-last
we have become connected,
we are seldom separated
over what am I at present crying
because of joy or out of self-pity
because I am unfortunate
or because I am lucky
she is all the family I have, you see
she is and means everything to me
in spite of how she treats me
no one else to treat me,
no one else allowed
whatever the quality and quantity
of her love for me, what I've got to live on
to live off, to live of
I live because she allows me to go on living
she is the air I breathe
am I masturbating myself to death
wishing her to love me
wanting her to love me
wishing she'd love me
all I have and how little of her I have
how little of her allowed
is it my old house that she does not like
is it her wish that I build a new one
© Obediah Michael Smith, 2011
Written between 2:30 p.m. on Sunday,
January 9 and 8:25 p.m. Tuesday,
January 11, 2011
posted by Obie Quiet at 2:17 AM
2 Comments:
Wow Obi, this poem is comical, romantic, sentimental- it's very touching. I was actually taken aback to see how closely your name resembles obeah. Overall, I think this poem is a perfect reflection of an imperfectly perfect situation. I was also pretty pleased to see no sexual imagery, at least not containing my body, lol(is it okay to laugh on your blog). Thank you so much for the gift of poetry.
holy city, holy seat inside it for me finally
holy bed for us to lie in, holy bedspread
holy legs to spread
My darling, do you no longer recognize you body when I draw it for you? Is it possibly because here it is made holy? I must point out though, Dee, that it always is.
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