Road Ahead
for D'Anthra B. Adderley

she had to make an art of
making use of me and of, afterwards,
bringing me down so that
though I mattered much
I would not matter much

tortured without end with being elevated
to be drawn on and drawn from
sucked out and then sucked down

though I'd been struggling all along
to save my soul, do I struggle still
or do I let go- let soul save itself
or fail to save itself

she has admitted finally, her inadequacy
her inability to measure up- her inability to do more
or to know more than how to use someone
tricking them into believing that they mattered
until she had gotten from them what she required

just a trickster/bullshitter,
thinking she was getting away with this,
thinking who she used was unaware

but I am conscious and she is partially
and she imagined that she could,
with slight if hands, trick me

better that she cease doing damage to her soul
lying to life and to me and to herself

I'd accept her back if she chooses or can choose
to be honest

how can anyone, exposed to me as she has been-
to whom I am as available as I have been
not fall in love- not find that we are inseparable

it is the truth though to whom I am wed
she has some other god or is seeking God still
and I must let her- let her do battle
with her own daemons- let her find her own level
her own devil to belly dance with
or to do whatever with

you asked why Maya Lima and I came apart-
for no reason other than why we are

I never do,
I never could compromise the truth
not even to sustain the availability of pussy

throwing yours away without ever having had it
or seen it- smelled it or touched it-
licked it or kissed it

but attached to dishonesty
and to your lack of discipline
to your being as disorganized as you are, it is-
it could be nothing to be cherished

pussy, to be attractive, has to be attached
to a life and situation that edify- that elevate
rather than undermine-
rather than failing to honor and to appreciate

you are leaving me, Dee, because,
without compromise, I tell you the truth
knowing I am risking everything

I risked everything for love of you
and look at what has been my reward-
look at how I have been rewarded

thought you'd have given me everything,
sent me flowers, for risking so much-
for caring for you more than I cared for myself
or for my own possibilities of benefit

seeking what is best for you
seeking your benefit instead of my own
and for punishing myself for love of you
instead of deeply appreciated
I am severely punished twice

yes, for such a depth of giving and loving,
for living just for you, it certainly is or was
necessary to be entirely available
to respond to such dedication
to such devotion

poetry shall expect the same of you-
that you be entirely dedicated

you will have to be loyal
to expect it to tell you its secrets

I've told you all or most of mine


© Obediah Michael Smith, 2012
3:33 a.m. 07.09.12